I sat there, waiting for the water to fill up. It took little time for it to reach my shoulders. I reclined my head against the back of the tub, wondering how it had come to this. I hadn’t really put much thought into how to do it, but I was so desperate to find a way out that this seemed like my only option. I wondered how it would feel … if I would struggle or if it would be quick and painless. I tried to empty my mind. I didn’t want to think, didn’t want to feel. With eyes closed, I tried to make my body limp and began to sink into the water. Just when my face was about to be submerged, I felt a kick, a sudden jolt to awaken me from my self-imposed nightmare. It was my baby, kicking from inside me, as if to say, “No, Mommy, don’t do this to us!” That was about 5 years ago, when I was pregnant with our third and wondered why God would entrust another child to me. As a young mother, I was overwhelmed with the task of raising up my children, including a son with special needs, according to God’s Word. I was beyond grief over my tendencies towards rage and anger. I was a mess, and unbelief led me to the conclusion that God could not fix me. This was one of the darkest days of my life.
Praise be to God, who has freed me from the chains of spiritual depression! I have been tempted many times to return to that dark day of my past, but The Lord has been faithful to rescue me every time. It certainly has not always been smooth sailing. I have encountered many moments when I am fighting to stay afloat. But fighting is good. And, part of that fight against spiritual depression means talking to myself. Sadly, I had already wasted a couple of years listening to myself: You’re a horrible mother. God must be tired of you repenting of the same sins. You must not be saved. Your family will better off when you’re dead. Succumbing to these thoughts, I had nearly given up the fight. Like the psalmist, I had to purposefully talk some sense to myself, “Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.” (Psalm 42:11)
Preacher, D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones explained this psalmist’s self-talk so clearly,
“This man was not content just to lie down and commiserate with himself. He does something about it, he takes himself in hand … he talks to himself … I suggest that the main trouble in this whole matter of spiritual depression in a sense is this, that we allow our self to talk to us instead of talking to our self.” (“Spiritual Depression”, p. 20)
So, this is why I’m here, why I blog. It is one of the ways God has given me to talk to myself. I don’t have it all together. I really don’t. In between blog posts, there is a war waging within me, as I struggle to take my thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ, and a war outside of me as those thoughts, unchecked, are released into sinful actions towards those around me. Honestly, there are times I wonder if I’ll make it to the next post. But, God carries me through the difficult times and gives me His Word so that I may use it to talk to myself. And sometimes, those conversations end up here.
This blog is my attempt to keep a sober mind in the midst of a dark world and the result of a desire to bring everything in my life under the lens of God’s Word. Perhaps you are going through some dark days. May I encourage you to go to the Bible and let God speak to your heart? In the midst of your despair, I trust that He will give you something good to say to yourself.
(Photo credit: vanz)